A Tragedy in B.H.
(This was written prior to the existence of Ubers and the popularity of Instagram, FYI.)
Tragedy struck in Beverly Hills last night. Three Los Angeles adults milking their youth started the night off innocently enough at a socialite’s housewarming pool party, where they reportedly mingled among guests for hours drinking beer and smoking cigarettes (which they only did socially), as well as swimming in the pool enjoying the hottest L.A. night on record. There are dozens of photos mobile uploaded to Facebook throughout the night to back up the legitimacy of this story.
Around 4 am the party supposedly started to wind down and the reported three retired to a downstairs bedroom to share an air mattress and get some sleep instead of risking a drunken drive home. Having just moved in, the socialite had no towels, sheets or blankets so the trio laid their heads down to rest in a highly air-conditioned room, in wet clothes, shivering and chatting, with no protection from the severe elements of the home’s interior.
The boy was in shorts and a buzzcut, while the girls had tangles of wet hair over denim and black spandex. The local trio were accustomed to temperate weather and apparently were no match for the blustery air conditioning. In a bizarre turn of events on an incredibly warm night, all three died of a vicious hypothermia sometime before noon when another party patron discovered them as he was looking for a restroom with fresh toilet paper. The party patron claims they were all spooning on the bed and looked terrifying but also a little sweet.
He was quoted as noting their resemblance to “wax figure versions of themselves”, although he didn’t know them well enough in their time of life to really know for sure. The unnamed party patron called for help as soon as he could get a signal on his cell and awaited the police with the other leftover partiers out by the pool where they felt safe and calmer in the sunlight.
On arrival the paramedics confirmed the passing of the three party patrons, but found a dog alive and well in the shower stall. It is unclear whether the dog had been there the entire night or if he had wandered in during the mornings excitement. To be safe, he was taken into custody of an animal wellness center to be monitored for emotional stability.
The girl in the room was discovered with a single squirrel pelt across her neck (suspected dog toy) in an obvious attempt to warm herself. There was an open and half eaten box of white cheddar crackers between her legs and all three victims had traces of cheddar crackers in their molars. This has been deemed unrelated to their passing but their families have found some solace in knowing at least what last meal graced the lips of the lost. Though alcohol was involved, there is no foul play suspected.
Upon further investigation, it became particularly notable that one the girls had tweeted about how “fricken cold” she was around 5 am and no one had rescued her or even replied to her tweet. As most of her twitter followers lived in the same time zone, it is safe to assume that most of them were sleeping at 5 am on a Tuesday and just didn’t see the cry for help. Officials suggested that she “could have tried a hashtag.”