I'm Ashamed to Feel Ashamed, TBH

why do I feel shame

I’m ashamed to feel ashamed about things that bring me shame. To be honest.

I’ve gotten the message in life that you’re NOT supposed to overshare about bad stuff because…that’s shameful. Like you can’t just announce to everyone that something shitty happened because what will they think? They will think poorly of you, and they will think poorly of your family, and they will think poorly of anyone else who is a direct connection to or reflection of you. At least that’s the message I got. But it just isn’t true.

The problem with keeping all the “bad” things secret is that it makes them worse. A lot of “bad” things are really quite average. Hidden things don’t get any air, or perspective or love. They get even more shame, they brew shame, they sprout shame, they literally are the shame. That’s like keeping rotten food in the refrigerator because you’re afraid your neighbor is going to see what’s in your trash. That B of a neighbor is a real busy body sometimes, and sure he or she might judge you for throwing away that much uneaten food, but is that worse than keeping the rotting food in your own refrigerator stinking up the whole damn place because you’re scared to make a move? Obviously not. And maybe no one even looks in your trash anyway. What a waste of energy.

I have had the experience on more than one occasion where I thought I was revealing something life altering awful about myself and the people I was admitting them to didn’t even blink an eye. Like I said, most “bad” things are pretty average. And yet the level of fear that overtakes me in those moments of deep expression would leave you to believe that life itself is at risk. My body says “holy shit we might not survive this conversation but it’s time to be okay with that.” And then me and my body have survived anyway.

As terrifying and physically painful it is for me to discuss shitty things, there is an equally bold part of me that wants to share every single thing that’s happening in my mind and my life all the damn time. Like to the extreme. I am just one of those people who feels like existence happens through storytelling, and when I’m not telling my own story, I feel like I’m caging myself up. I’m over here nervously chewing on the key but starting to wonder if some of those nerves are actually the excited kind. Because every time I get brave enough to say anything that I’ve held in, it serves to bring me closer to embracing the expression of my true self. I think my true self deserves the mic more than the fearful self, so we’re working real hard on shifting that power dynamic.

That’s where I’m at today. Going through some stuff that I’m not sure I should discuss. But I am sure that I should start discussing why I’m so scared to discuss it.

Since I’m feeling open, here are a few things I regularly feel shame about:

-Loving people

-Bad boundaries

-Talking about myself

-My relationship history

-My poor communication

-How I make other people feel

-Where I’m at in my life for my age

-How other people have treated me

-How I have let other people treat me

-Things that I’ve let go on for way too long

-The dumbass things that I’ve done to self sabotage

-The fact that it scares me to discuss the things that I feel shame about

Is that relatable? I don’t even know. I feel so ashamed writing about what makes me feel ashamed that I have that slightly blurry eye thing that happens when you’re raging angry. But did you notice how I listed those shameful things out in a cascading pattern? It’s not a perfect cascade but it’s there. Trying to lighten the load or something.

Yours truly,

Kate who feels a lot